Temper and Temperance

It was not a moment that I’m proud of, but I totally lost my cool with my two-year-old. To be fair, he was throwing his third temper tantrum before eight in the morning, and I had gotten very little sleep due to our sleep regressing baby, but I recognized the tell-tale signs of its arrival before the overflow occurred. The rise in my blood pressure and tidal-wave of rising emotions was palpable mere seconds before exploding in my raised decibel and harsh tone of voice. 

Heading to the confessional soon. 

Dealing with these feelings of anger has been a new challenge for me. Growing up, I was never one to consider anger a favorite capital sin. But having my own children, who all possess strong emotions in themselves, has caused me to discover this struggle in myself. Vocation really is a refining fire. 

Anger is a real struggle. Frequently expressed as “having a temper,” is a challenge many of us face whether daily or occasionally. We all feel anger, and have learned to cope with it different ways. Maybe we’re still learning to direct it into weightlifting rather than letting it build and affect our relationships. I know I still am. But I think the word temper in and of itself, along with the way that it is used, can actually help us understand ourselves better and help with some steps in overcoming it. 

“She has a temper,” is a way that we can describe certain people with fiery personalities, who are known to get worked up easily. “Throwing a temper tantrum,” is a frequent expression when speaking of a toddler and their lack of emotional regulation. And yet, we also use the phrase in a seemingly contradictory way when we say “I lost my temper.” 

It is this losing of our temper that I want to focus on. Because, at the end of day, when we lose our temper, what we are actually losing is our temperance. 

The truth is, we all experience the emotion and feeling of anger. There are situations in life that rightfully and justly elicit this response in us. When we are wronged, or something is unfair, or we are frustrated and struggling with a challenging task, anger is a valid internal sensation. 

What matters, however, is what becomes external from that internal sensation. 

The difference between an adult and a toddler is that when a toddler experiences an emotion, it is displayed in its full raw form for everyone to see. They lack the self-awareness and self-mastery to choose how to respond to their emotions. So it bubbles up and they end up on the floor in the check-out aisle because they can’t get the candy bar that they want. Parenting involves leading our children to better cope with and regulate these, and other, emotions. 

When an adult experiences anger, however, they have the power to choose how to respond. Some adults have honed this skill better than others, so choosing virtuously will come more easily to them, but all adults have the capability to choose their response.  

Here is where temperance comes in. Temperance is defined as “the quality of moderation or self-restraint.” 

So when I lose my temper, what I’m actually losing is my temperance.

When I lose my temper I am letting go of the self-restraint that is, albeit extremely hard, but possible for my will to exercise, and am letting my raw emotions get in the driver’s seat of my actions. I am choosing to not control myself, to not moderate my feelings, and am allowing my under-developed toddler side to take over. That is why anger and losing your temper sometimes feels frightening, because you are not the one in control. 

And we all know it’s never pretty. And we always feel worse after the fact. But fighting to be the one with the reins is challenging. Temperance is a virtue, and is both a grace and gift from God, but also something we must exercise to grow in. You don’t gain muscle without lifting weights. You won’t grow in temperance, in controlling your temper, without being in situations in which you do just that. Over and over and over. 

We will fall again, but we can pick ourselves up again as well. In those moments when you feel it rise, take a breath. Invoke the Lord in to that moment. He is with you, and will give you everything you need to grow in holiness. 

Lord, give me patience. Lord, give me self control. Lord, give me temperance.