Are My Desires Bad?

“So there’s this guy at work who is really attractive.”

Heard that one before?

It is not uncommon that I have found myself in this situation, or heard a good friend externally processing: “my boyfriend is just so great, I’m so attracted to him. I have these sexual desires for him. I want to share everything with him. Is that bad? Is that an evil desire?” Same is true for many men towards their girlfriends.

As humans, we undeniably have these attractions and desires for people. After puberty hits, it is a universal experience. Therefore, the question is not, do we have these desires, but rather, what do we do with them? How do we address these desires when we are single or in a dating relationship? Do we throw our morals out the window and let loose the desires? Or, do we shut the windows really tight and stifle the desires, never speaking of them or admitting of them until marriage? Are those desires, in and of themselves, bad?

Pope Saint John Paul II has an interesting take on desire which I think can help us find an answer to these questions. In Love and Responsibility, then Karol Wojtyla takes on a metaphysical analysis of love, or an attempt at answering the question “What is love?” I’ll give you a hint: it’s not a 90’s hit single.

According to Wojtyla there are three dynamisms of love. We must examine each of the dynamisms separately, each in light of the male-female relationship.

1. Love of Attraction

The first dynamism of love is love of attraction. This means that part of the first element of love between a man and a woman is that they are attracted to each other. To put this another way, there is a recognition of the good of the other person. You see the other as a good, and that good is attractive to you. This attraction to the other, the recognition of the good of the other, is indispensable in love. What is important in this is that it must be a recognition of the good of the person, and not just the goods in the person. It is necessary to see the inner beauty of the person, and not solely the outer beauty of the person, for then they are being loved for values or attributes which they possess, rather than for the person which they are. Wojtyla says: “the attraction on which this love is based must originate not just in a reaction to visible and physical beauty, but also in a full and deep appreciation of the beauty of the person.” Therefore, Wojtyla helps us to the conclusion that we must self-examine our attractions and make sure it is a recognition of the good of the person and not simply the goods which the person possesses. So when it comes to the cute guy who sits across from you in class whom you’ve never spoken to… maybe you should acknowledge that you’re more attracted to his good haircut and sweet smile than to his person. But when it comes to the friend you’ve had for a while, whom you know super well and you’re still attracted to, there is nothing wrong to admit that you’re attracted to and recognize the goodness of their person.

2. Love of Desire

The next dynamism of love is love of desire. Just like attraction, desire is of the essence of love, and is a necessary part of love. Love of desire means that you recognize the other as a good, and you want that good for yourself. Man needs woman to complete his own being, and vice versa for woman. To desire someone in this way is natural. When you recognize the goodness of another and are attracted to them, it follows that you want that goodness for yourself. Like attraction, this desire must be for the good of the person holistically, and not just for the goods that adhere in the person. We normally think of “desire” as a bodily or sexual urge, and Wojtyla clarifies that proper love of desire will include a desire for the body, but not for the body alone: “Love as desire cannot then be reduced to desire itself…And love is therefore apprehended as a longing for the person, and not as mere sensual desire.” Hence, if you find yourself desiring a man based solely off what he can do for you and for the goodness and beauty of his body… time to check yourself before you wreck yourself, sister. But let’s say you’ve been dating someone for a few years, and discover an inner longing for that person, there’s no need to freak out because you have a “desire” for them. It is important to note that this yearning is not self-centered, unless it becomes desire alone and is not integrated with the next dynamism of love. You can’t stop with love of desire.

Which leads to the final and most important dynamism of love: love of goodwill.

3. Love of Goodwill

Love as goodwill means that you recognize that the other is due the good and you make the willed commitment to seeking their good. As Wojtyla puts it:

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“Love between man and woman would be evil, or at least incomplete, if it went no farther than love as desire. For love as desire is not the whole essence of love between persons. It is not enough to long for a person as a good for oneself, one must also, and above all, long for that person’s good.”

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This kind of love is intrinsically linked with selfless love. This is love in which you will and seek the good of the other, and not for a selfish ulterior motive. Love as goodwill is that in which you long and work and want the good of the beloved. This is the highest form of love and brings us as close as possible to the essence of love. This is the love needed for stable and consistent married love, and if love stops at either attraction or desire, it will ultimately fade away.

It is not enough simply to feel attraction or desire for someone, because in its essence, love is a verb, an activity. But this doesn’t mean that the love you are destined for is devoid of all attraction and desire. Attraction and desire are good, and serve as stepping-stones to love as goodwill. Learn from them and grow from them. Learn to love the person for the person, and not just the parts of the person. Your desires are not bad, only in need of proper direction. Your desires are not evil, but there is so much more to love than that.

The checkout guys won’t get any less cute. Your significant other won’t become any less desirable. But your understanding of love will become clearer. Your desires are good and you have them for a reason. But you will wait for love that is more than desire, more than attraction. We can fight for real love.

Our Lady of Fair Love, pray for us!