Revisiting Separation Anxiety

I don’t personally remember, thank goodness, but from the tales that my parents tell, sounds like I had pretty bad separation anxiety as a kid. Like I was that kid who cried the entire evening for our saintly babysitter or was sent home early from summer camp. I’m pretty sure the phrase, “we just ended up not going out for two, three years…” has come out of my mom’s mouth when reminiscing on my childhood. 

Sorry, mom and dad. 

At least take it as a compliment that I genuinely always thought you guys were the best and wouldn’t settle for anyone else. 

Now, I have a toddler of my own. And dropping him off with a friend to go on a quick run the other evening, I was greeted back by the echoing screams and cries of his distress. And be assured that over the past few months this is not a standalone event.  About fifty yards away from him, however, he caught sight of me coming back to get him and immediately quieted down. He needed a big reassuring hug, but then was totally, completely calm. 

I remember asking our poor distressed babysitter what happened. “Nothing, he just suddenly realized you weren’t here and then had a meltdown. I offered him everything he’s ever been interested in but nothing fixed it. We tried the playground, the swings, having a snack, but I think he just wanted you.”

Was I a little frustrated? Sure. A little touched? Absolutely. Am I encouraged by the fact that this is a development phase that I’m confident will eventually pass? I mean, I eventually did go to college, move out, get married, etc. My parents have been able to go on dates now for years, we will one day too. But as we walked home, some remaining tell-tale tear marks on his now-smiling and happy-go-lucky face, I was simultaneously thankful for my earthly parents and also drawn to another parent. 

For my toddler, life is pretty simple. Even in the middle of a meltdown, the solution is not complicated. 

"The people that love me and care for me the most are not here, and I will not be ok until they are. And in the meantime, this silly babysitter may try to distract me with other enticing things, but I know the truth. They will never provide for me what it is that I truly want. Because all I want, all I need, is a specific someone’s presence.” 

And their presence alone is enough. 

Maybe, truly, I need to revisit separation anxiety in my own heart. And maybe, truly, as odd as it initially sounds, I need to re-encourage some of it in my heart. 

After all, aren’t I constantly seeking for my comfort, my fulfillment, in enticing distractions which will never actually satisfy? Aren’t I aware of a restlessness in my own heart when I make these other things the center of my orbit? 

Or, am I repeatedly making requests of the Lord, demanding that He answer my prayers and fulfill my desires, when in reality, this is not actually what I want? Not what I need? 

My heart knows these truths but it so frequently rebels. I’m on the hunt for accomplishment, for the lessening of suffering, for praise, for worldly comforts. 

But at the end of the day, isn’t His presence enough? 

---

“In Your presence is the fullness of joy.” - Psalm 16:11

---

And unlike being left with a babysitter in a scary new preschool room or faced to do bedtime with someone I don’t know, His presence follows us everywhere. 

---

“If I ascend to heaven, you are there! If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!

If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,

even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me.” - Psalm 139:8-10

---

Jesus never “takes an evening off.” He never “drops us off with the grandparents.” He doesn’t know the meaning of a daycare or sitter. 

Because rather, He chooses to spend every waking moment with us. Even those moments when it feels like He is far away. Even in the midst of the hardship, Jesus is with me. Even in the midst of suffering, Jesus is with me. Even in the midst of unanswered prayers and unfulfilled desires, Jesus is with me. 

Jesus is always drawing near to me, but sometimes I distance myself. And that is where my heart needs work. 

So, Lord, this is my prayer. Increase my awareness of those places I go when I should be running to You. Increase my awareness of the distractions I try to use as a filler for the comfort and satisfaction that only You give. Increase my awareness of when my thoughts and internal attitude have drifted from the reality of Your constant presence. Increase my trust that you are with me even when I can’t feel Your presence. Reground me in the truth that You are the best, and nothing else will ever satisfy. 

Lord, increase my separation anxiety.